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Ask Audrey columns in the on-line edition of the Courier:

Columns: March 20, 2008 March 13, 2008 March 6, 2008 Feb. 28, 2008 Feb. 14, 2008 Feb. 7, 2008 Jan. 31, 2008 Jan. 24, 2008 Jan. 10, 2008	There was no column April 3 There was no column March 27 There was no column Feb. 21 There was no column Jan. 17
Audrey columns from 2007	Audrey columns from 2006 & 2005

Ask Audrey Published March 20, 2008    Each evening I watch a television show and at the end of each show the audience is shown the day’s “moment of Zen.” I’ve read that Zen is described as having found an enlightened mind or maybe attainment and acceptance of our surroundings.     I’m still confused about how to get to the point of total peacefulness because I’ve never really taken the time to sit and meditate nor do I actually know how to do so. This is probably because I stay busy with everyday life and perhaps I’ve reached Zen and didn’t even know that I had.     Well, now that I’ve hopefully confused my readers, I can let you know that when one of my friends sent this next list of Zen quotes, I thought that everybody would enjoy the new fangled quotes because when you think about some of them, they all pretty much ring true.     Enjoy!     1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.     2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.     3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.     4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any     5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.     6. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.     7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.     8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.     9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.     10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.     11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.     12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.     13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.     14. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.     15. Don’t worry; it only seems “kinky” the first time.     16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.     17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.     18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.     19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.     20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.     21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.     22. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.     23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.     24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things get worse.     25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.     26. There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”     27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.     28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.     29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Ask Audrey Published March 13, 2008    Our Texas cowboys are always aware of how many cows and calves that they should have in their herds out in each pasture. When one of my friends sent this next little ditty I just knew that some of my readers would get a real kick out of it. Some of those folks who live in different worlds than our cowboys think that they can outsmart those wranglers but let’s see who outsmarts who.     Enjoy…     A West Texas cowboy was watching his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"     The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"     The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .     Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.     Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."     "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.     Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"     The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"     "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says the cowboy.     "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"     "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows......... Now give me back my dog."

Ask Audrey Published March 6, 2008    I have a dear friend who sends emails to me as I send emails to her, but occasionally she sends some little ditties that really bring back some heavy duty memories. This one contains at least a few of the very same things that probably came out of the mouths of the mothers of many of my readers. Can you remember any of these next reasons for recollections of your mothers? Read and reminiscence a little.     25 reasons I owe my mother.     1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well cone. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."     2. My mother taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."     3. My mother taught me about time travel. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"     4. My mother taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why."     5. My mother taught me more logic. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."     6. My mother taught me foresight. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."     7. My mother taught me irony. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."     8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."     9. My mother taught me about contortionism. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"     10. My mother taught me about stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."     11. My mother taught me about weather. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."     12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"     13. My mother taught me the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."     14. My mother taught me about behavior modification. "Stop acting like your father!"     15. My mother taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."     16. My mother taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home."     17. My mother taught me about receiving. "You are going to get it when you get home!"     18. My mother taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."     19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?"     20. My mother taught me humor. "When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."     21. My mother taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."     22. My mother taught me genetics. "You're just like your father."     23. My mother taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"     24. My mother taught me wisdom. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And this is the topper!     25. My mother taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you."

Ask Audrey Published Feb. 28, 2008    A couple of years ago, I received an email from a cyber friend about a contest that had been held by a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana. The contest was for a person’s “worst job experience. The story was sent in by a woman named Sue, who had received this detailed job experience from her brother, Rob. Needless to say, Sue won the contest hands down but her poor brother suffered in order for her to triumph.     If you don't laugh out loud after you read this, you are in a coma!     This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.     Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.     Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.     Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.     As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.     Now this sounds like a real good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. When I get to the bottom and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.     Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my back started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.     Within a few seconds my back started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.     When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my skin.     I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the microphone. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with the five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.     Needless to say, I aborted the dive.     I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.     When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.     As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my back as soon as I got in the chamber.     So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish in your wetsuit.     Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."     Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself,     “Is this a jellyfish bad day?”     May you never have a jellyfish bad day!

Ask Audrey Published Feb. 14, 2008    Many of us are either currently married, have been married, perhaps contemplating marriage or sharing living space with another person. While we all try to accommodate the other person’s likes and dislikes, sometimes our constitutions are not capable of letting some of those “small things” roll off our backs. These particular times, as I’ve personally discovered, seem somehow more intolerable as women (this woman, anyhow) get older.     By older, I mean when we enter the strange world of menopause. As I remember, when I entered that bizarre stage in my life, my ability to tolerate those inane remarks that my husband would utter no longer existed. I recall him saying something silly like, “Are your jeans getting tighter or has the dryer shrunk them again?” In my mind, I wanted to grab him by the throat and strangle him, but instead I just cried. My husband couldn’t understand what he had said or done to cause me to go to a different room, slam the door shut and tell him to never talk that way to me again!     Since then, my husband has suffered through so many similar episodes that at one time he actually asked me if I was losing my mind. Well, that stupid remark sent me into an additional frenzied state. We finally figured out how to live together without my little fits of emotion, but when I received this next little ditty, I quickly recalled my early days of emotional craziness. I can bet that I have a good number of female readers who will identify with the lady who loved her Tide.     Enjoy…     Dear Tide,     I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my 50s, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and generally began to be a pain in the neck.     One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.     What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.     Well, gotta go – have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Ask Audrey Published Feb. 7, 2008    In this changing world of career-minded couples, I’ve noticed that some of those couples actually plan their lives around themselves without the absolute prospect of producing children. When a loving couple decides to ponder the thought of having children there are always an endless number of thoughts that go through the minds of the grandparents. This story tells just a small portion of what honestly brings forth the sweet but sometimes painful memories that we, as grandparents, can never really explain to those young couples when they ask our opinions.     Enjoy and reflect.     A mom and her daughter were having lunch one day when the career-minded daughter casually mentioned that she and her husband were thinking of "starting a family."     "We're taking a survey," she said half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"     "It will change your life," her mom said, carefully keeping her tone neutral.     "I know," the young daughter said, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."     But that is not what her mom meant at all. She looked at her daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. She wanted her daughter to know what she would never learn in childbirth classes.     She wanted to tell her daughter that the physical wounds of child-bearing would heal, but becoming a mother would leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she would forever be vulnerable. She considered warning her daughter that she would never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been my child?"     Every plane crash and every house fire would haunt her. When she saw pictures of starving children, she would wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.     The mom looked at her daughter’s carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and thought that no matter how sophisticated she was, becoming a mother would reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. She wanted to tell her daughter that an urgent call of "Mom!" would cause her to drop a soufflé and her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.     The mom felt she should warn her daughter that no matter how many years she had invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she would be going into an important business meeting and she would think of her baby's sweet smell. She would have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby was all right.     The mom wanted her daughter to know that everyday decisions would no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's would  become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester might be lurking in that restroom.     However decisive her daughter might be at the office, she would second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at her attractive daughter, the mom wanted to assure her that eventually she would shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she would never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, would be of less value to her once she had a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but would also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his or hers.     The mom wanted her daughter to know that a Caesarean scar or shiny stretch marks would become badges of honor. The daughter's relationship with her husband would change, and not in the way she might think. If only the Mom could help her daughter understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. The mom wanted her daughter to know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. If only the daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.     The mom wanted to describe to her daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike or to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. The Mom wanted her daughter to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.     When the mother noticed her daughter's quizzical look she realized that tears had formed in her eyes. "You'll never regret it," the mom finally said. Then she reached across the table, squeezed her daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, for herself and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.     See you next week,     Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Jan. 31, 2008    When my husband and I retired and moved to Texas, we both thought that we would be able to do “all those things” that we never had time to do before retirement. Well, we traveled a little bit and puttered around the home accomplishing some of those “things,” but after a couple of years ,we found that each of us needed more. Life seemed so short and we wanted to explore ways to help others. My husband started a small business several years ago and subsequently now provides a living for a number of families. I decided to turn my energies toward volunteering in the community. We are really very blessed people because we have been given the opportunity to enjoy our golden years as, I hope, have many of my readers.     Sometimes, even though we try not to, we forget the many young people who will never have a chance to plan for their future. I received the next letter from a professor of molecular biology in the Bronx, New York, and my heart went out to the 20-year-old girl who was dying of cancer. The professor asked that this poem be sent to everyone we knew and even to those we didn’t know. This wonderful young lady never made it to a prom, graduated from high school or was able to marry and have a family of her own. When this poem was written, she had only six months left to live and as her dying wish she wanted to send a letter telling everyone to live their lives to the fullest since she never would.     As you read this poem, remember the young people who will never have the opportunities that most of us have had but who want us all to understand our many blessings.     Slow Dance     Have you ever watched kids     On a merry-go-round?     Or listened to the rain     Slapping on the ground?     Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?     Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?     You better slow down.     Don't dance so fast.     Time is short.     The music won't last.     Do you run through each day     On the fly?     When you ask, "How are you?"     Do you hear the reply?     When the day is done     Do you lie in your bed     With the next hundred chores     Running through your head?     You'd better slow down     Don't dance so fast.     Time is short.     The music won't last.     Ever told your child,     We'll do it tomorrow?     And in your haste,     Not see his sorrow?     Ever lost touch,     Let a good friendship die     Cause you never had time     To call and say,"Hi"     You'd better slow down.     Don't dance so fast.     Time is short.     The music won't last.     When you run so fast to get somewhere     You miss half the fun of getting there.     When you worry and hurry through your day,     It is like an unopened gift....     Thrown away.     Life is not a race.     Do take it slower     Hear the music     Before the song is over.

Ask Audrey Published Jan. 24, 2008    After having lived through the last six decades, I remember so many events and incidents that occurred when I was a child and I wonder if the children today could survive without the endless number of toys and gadgets that they've been given.     As a child we only listened to the radio when the news was on or when my Grandma wanted to listen to a hockey game. Can you even imagine the thought of listening to a hockey game? She was enthralled with it and I really never understood why.     When my brothers and I had spare time one of my brothers would sit under the big mulberry tree and read to me or teach me how to read. My other brother's nose would be buried in a book or he would be building some form of scientific magical gadget.     My brothers and I lived on our grandparent's farm and we all had chores to perform.     We only had "our own time" after our chores were finished so we made good use of our points in time. We didn't even know what the word "bored" meant, let alone felt it.     I received this next item and all of my childhood memories came flooding back into my mind tenfold. I'm absolutely sure that nearly all of my readers will be able to identify with some of the quips that follow. Enjoy—..     This is dedicated to those born between 1930-1979 and to their offspring...     To all the kids who survived the 1930s 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s     First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.     Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.     We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.     As infants and children, we would ride in cars without car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.     We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends and no one actually died from this.     We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolaide made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because...     We were always outside playing!     We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.     No one was able to reach us all day. And we were okay.     We would spend hours building our gocarts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.     After running into the bushes a few times, we learned how to solve the problem.     We did not have Playstations, Nintendos or X-boxes. We had no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound, CDs or iPods, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms....     We had friends and we went outside and found them!     We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.     We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt and the worms did not live in us forever.     We were given BB guns for our tenth birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.     We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.     Imagine that.     The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.     These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.     The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.     We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.     If you are one of them... congratulations! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.     Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?     See you next week,     Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Jan. 3, 2008    Politics are and will still be taking the front, middle and back pages of most of our newspapers from now until the first Tuesday in November 2008.     Whether my readers are Republicans, Democrats, Independents or Libertarians, we all need to keep open minds and consider some of the opinions of the old sages from our past. One of my email friends sent me a few interesting views of many of the more infamous folks from times of yore. You may or may not agree with some of them but it doesn't really matter because all of those days are lost to us now.     Enjoy and reflect on some wit and observations.     If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain     Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. Mark Twain     I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill     A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw     A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. G Gordon Liddy     Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)     Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University     Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. PJ O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian     Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)     Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:     If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan (1986)     I don't make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers     If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! PJ O'Rourke     In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)     Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! Pericles (430 BC)     No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)     Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. Cullen Hightower     The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan     The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill     The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain     The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)     There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. Mark Twain     What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)     A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson     Thanks, Rick!     See you next week,     Audrey