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Bandera County Courier
Bandera County Courier
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Thursday, April 10, 2008 (830)796-9799 Vol. 4 No. 32
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Columns:
Oct. 11, 2007
There was no column Oct. 4
Columns:
Sept. 27, 2007
Sept. 20, 2007
Sept. 6, 2007
Aug. 30, 2007
Aug. 23, 2007
Aug. 16, 2007
Aug. 9, 2007
Aug. 2, 2007
There was no column July 26 or Sept. 13
Columns:
July 19, 2007
July 12, 2007
July 5, 2007
June 28, 2007
June 21, 2007
June 14, 2007
June 7, 2007
May 31, 2007
May 24, 2007
May 10 & 17, 2007
May 3, 2007
Columns:
April 26, 2007
April 19, 2007
April 12, 2007
April 5, 2007
March 29, 2007
March 22, 2007
March 15, 2007
March 8, 2007
Feb. 22, 2007
Feb. 15, 2007
Feb. 1, 2007
Jan. 25, 2007
Jan. 11, 2007
Jan. 4, 2007
Current Audrey columns Audrey columns from 2006 & 2005
Ask Audrey
Published Oct. 11, 2007
   Many of us have distinct recollections of people who have touched our lives over the years. As children we may have fond memories of a special teacher or maybe a particular neighbor. For instance, when a certain song comes on the radio, maybe you can remember a special time, person or place that holds that tune forever unique in your mind.
    As a baby boomer, I recall that black telephone attached to the wall in my grandmother's house. I also recall not being allowed to use it because Grandma said so. When my grandkids sit down to play cards, I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my grandma and my brother playing rummy until bedtime.
    When I received this next item from one of my friends, I wanted to share it with my readers. Maybe this little story will awaken some long forgotten, but still warm, memories for you, too.
    Enjoy ­
    When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.
    I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but listened with fascination when my mother talked into it. Then, I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information, please," and there was nothing she did not know.
    "Information Please" could supply anyone's number and the correct time. My personal experience with the genie-in-abottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!
    Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.
    Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
    "Information, please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
    "Information."
    "I hurt my finger...," I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.
    "Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
    "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
    "Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
    "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."
    "Can you open the icebox?" she asked.
    I said I could. "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.
    After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before would eat fruit and nuts. Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
    She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."
    Somehow I felt better.
    Another day I was on the telephone; "Information Please."
    "Information," said in the now-familiar voice.
    "How do I spell fix?" I asked.
    All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.
    "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
    A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then, without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
    Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
    "Information."
    I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer,
    "I guess your finger must have healed by now."
    I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"
    "I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
    I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
    "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
    Three months later, I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered,
    "Information." I asked for Sally.
    "Are you a friend?" she said.
    "Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
    "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."
    Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?"
    "Yes," I answered.
    "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you."
    The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."
    I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
    Never underestimate the impression you may make on others! You just never know! Whose life have you touched today? Why not pass this on? I just did... lifting you on eagles' wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for. Life is a journey, not a guided tour.
    See you next week,
    Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published Sept. 27, 2007
   Anybody who has had children has more than likely also had an animal, be it hamster, turtle, gerbil, rabbit, dog or cat. Having had the task of being the mother of five children ­ all under seven ­ I can most definitely identify with total chaos on a Sunday morning, trying to get ready for church. Invariably two are arguing or fighting over something that neither one of them should have or been doing. One or two don't want to go to church and, at the last minute, somebody has to use the restroom. Well, I got this next story from one of my friends and it awakened all of those old feelings of "Am I really going to get through this life?"
    Enjoy­
    So, we had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a terrific cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
    Well, we have three children and at the time they were one, three and four years old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. Loves it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day, I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
    Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and trying to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys were fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my makeup.
    Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
    We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's . . . behind. Eli looked right into my eyes and said, "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right ­ their little behinds can look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
    And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the first time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the 100th.
    And that is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
    See you next week,
    Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published Sept. 20, 2007
   Nearly everyone I know who has flown on an airplane has, at one time or another, been faced with delayed flights, missed flights or has had to remain seated on the plane for at least an hour or more for any of a dozen reasons.
    We all understand the problems when a busy airport experiences bad weather, as well as the possibility of mechanical difficulties - and we all want to fly in a safe airplane! Well, one of my friends sent me an email that I thought we might all need to read. The next time I'm sitting in a plane lamenting the time and energy that's being wasted, I'll think about this next story.
    Enjoy and remember.
    This past week I was on a four-anda- half hour, non-stop flight from Seattle, Washington, to Atlanta, Georgia.
    In all my years of traveling, I have learned that each time a plane has the opportunity to stop, there is potential for unexpected challenges. Flight delays can create unanticipated challenges on any trip. Therefore, I always try to fly non-stop between my destinations.
    About an hour into this particular flight, the captain's voice came over the intercom. He asked if there was a physician or nurse on the plane. If so, he asked them to identify themselves by ringing the flight attendant call button beside their seat.
    I listened carefully but heard no one ring their bell. I immediately began to wonder what was happening. In a few minutes, the captain informed us that there was a medical emergency on board and asked again if there was a physician or a nurse who could help.
    When there was no response, we were told that we were going to make an emergency stop in Denver, Colorado. He apologized, but told us that there would be a medical emergency team waiting to meet us at the gate and that we would probably only be delayed by about 30 minutes. Though it was necessary, we knew we would all be inconvenienced by the extra stop.
    About half an hour later, we landed at Denver International Airport and the medical crew immediately came on board. However, everything took longer than had previously been expected. An elderly gentleman, about 85 years old, had suddenly taken ill. It was not clear whether he had experienced a stroke or heart attack.
    Even after the gentleman was carried off of the plane, we still sat there for quite a while. The original "short" stop turned into about an hour and a half. When we finally pushed back from the gate and were in the air, the pilot apologized profusely for the unavoidable delay. He said that since the stop had taken longer than expected, those passengers who needed to make connections in Atlanta would miss their flights but would automatically be booked on the next flight out.
    You could almost hear the moans and groans of everyone throughout the airplane who was being inconvenienced by the unexpected stop. Then the pilot did one of the classiest things I have personally ever seen or heard of anyone doing.
    He spoke into the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I thought you might be interested in one bit of information. The elderly gentleman who was taken off the plane was a Marine in WWII.
    "I am holding in my hand a copy of the Congressional Medal of Honor that was awarded to him and signed by President Harry Truman in 1945." The pilot went on to say, "I realize that we have all been inconvenienced today. However, in light of the fact that this gentleman was a war hero and was inconvenienced for four years of his life in order that we might experience the freedoms that we enjoy today, I thought you all should know that."
    Immediately, the airplane was filled with applause. Everyone was cheering and so pleased to know that the gentleman had been cared for in a way that was fitting and appropriate.
    As we continued to fly, I thought to myself, "Isn't that interesting? We were concerned that we were inconvenienced for a couple of hours and yet, this gentleman's entire life was interrupted and inconvenienced for over four years while he went and fought in a war to protect the freedoms and values that we love and hold dear in this country today."
    I breathed a prayer for the gentleman and asked God to bless him for all he had done to help us understand what freedom is all about.
    See you next week, Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published Sept. 6, 2007
   How many of us have met people with whom we have lost touch? I’m sure that nearly all the folks who read this column have done just that. I was looking at an old (and I mean old!) yearbook of mine and while reading some of the sentiments of the kids who had jotted down their thoughts, I tried to remember each of them and couldn’t. Then I tried to remember the names of some of the people who were friends at same of my old workplaces and couldn’t.
    What I did remember though were the pleasant memories. Maybe I didn’t remember the names, but the times and the events stuck in my mind. Why is it that as folks get older and their lives change, they might forget the names, but the times almost always are vividly recollected? When I received this email from one of my closest friends, I began to understand the concept a little better. I hope that some of my readers can benefit from this as well.
    Enjoy.
    People come into your life for a reason
    People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
    When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
    They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
    Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
    Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you how to do something you have never done before. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it – it is real, but only for a season.
    Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Whether your friendships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime, remember to treasure and to enjoy each one. Thank each friend for being a part of your life.
Ask Audrey
Published Aug. 30, 2007
   I am one of a small number of people who is still fortunate to have a mother to call every day. I take her with me as often as I possibly can, especially if I can sit and eat lunch or dinner with her.
    My mother is 95 years young and is still as sharp as a tack. Her body is beginning to run down a bit, but her mind is always ahead of my own. In fact, I rely on her to remind me of some of the many errands that I must do. She and I have many wonderful memories and we create new ones each day that we are on this earth together.
    I received this next email from one of my dearest friends and it brought home a great bit of food for thought. I love my mother, my family and my endless number of friends and this next piece will hopefully give my readers food for thought, as it did for me.
    Enjoy!
    “To My Keepers”
    Their marriage was good, their dreams focused.
    Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
    I can see them now, dad in trousers, T-shirt and a hat and mom in a housedress – lawn mower in one hand, and dish towel in the other.
    It was the time for fixing things; a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, a screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
    It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All of that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more. But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of her bedroom, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes, there isn't any more.
    Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return.
    So ... while we have it ... it's best we love it ... and care for it ... and fix it when it's broken. And heal it when it's sick. This is true ... for marriage ... and old cars ... and children with bad report cards ... and dogs and cats with bad hips ... and aging parents ... and grandparents.
    We keep them because they are worth it.
    Some things we keep, like a best friend who moved away, or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.
    And so, we keep them close!
    I received this from someone who thinks I am a "keeper,” so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life.
    Good friends are like stars – you don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!
    See you next week,  Audrey.
Ask Audrey
Published Aug. 23, 2007
   Every single one of us knows that the only things we have to do are die and pay taxes. This little ditty tells the story so very well.
    Isn't this the truth! At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!
    Tax his land, tax his bed,
    Tax the table at which he's fed.
    Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
    Teach him taxes are the rule.
    Tax his cow, tax his goat,
    Tax his pants, tax his coat.
    Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
    Tax his work, tax his dirt.
    Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
    Tax him if he tries to think.
    Tax his cigars, tax his beers,
    If he cries, then tax his tears.
    Tax his car, tax his fuel,
    Find other ways, oh, tax his mule.
    Tax all he has then let him know
    That you won't be done till he has no dough.
    When he screams and hollers, then tax him some more,
    Tax him till he's good and sore.
    Then tax his coffin, tax his grave,
    Tax the sod under which he's laid.
    Put these words upon his tomb,
    "Taxes drove me to my doom..."
    When he's gone, do not relax,
    It’s time to apply the inheritance tax.
    Accounts Receivable Tax
    Building Permit Tax
    CDL license Tax
    Cigarette Tax
    Corporate Income Tax
    Dog License Tax
    Excise Taxes
    Federal Income Tax
    Federal Unemployment Tax
    Fishing License Tax
    Food License Tax
    Fuel Permit Tax
    Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
    Gross Receipts Tax 
    Hunting License Tax 
    Inheritance Tax 
    Inventory Tax
    IRS Interest Charges
    IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
    Liquor Tax
    Luxury Taxes
    Marriage License Tax
    Medicare Tax     
    Personal Property Tax
    Property Tax 
    Real Estate Tax 
    Service Charge Tax 
    Social Security Tax 
    Road Usage Tax 
    Sales Tax 
    Recreational Vehicle Tax 
    School Tax 
    State Income Tax
    State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
    Telephone Federal Excise Tax
    Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
    Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
    Telephone Recurring and Non-Recurring Charges Tax
    Telephone State and Local Tax
    Telephone Usage Charge Tax
    Utility Taxes
    Vehicle License Registration Tax
    Vehicle Sales Tax 
    Watercraft Registration Tax 
    Well Permit Tax
    Workers Compensation Tax
    Still think this is funny? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
    What the heck happened? Can you spell "politicians!"
    And I still have to "Press 1" for English. 
    See you next week,  Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published Aug. 16, 2007
   I’ve been in need at times and, somehow, have always received the help that I needed. Consequently, I’ve managed to help others whenever I could. I'm sure most of my readers have done the same. We all try to reciprocate whenever we're able to, without any strings attached. When I read this next story, I thought maybe some of us could relate.
    Enjoy and reflect!
    One day a man saw a old lady, stranded on the side of the road. Even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
    Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was the chill that only fear can put in you.
    He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson."
    Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.
    As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.
    Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.
    He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me."
    He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
    A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy-looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.
    After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a $100 bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her $100 bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.
    There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote, "You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, do not let this chain of love end with you."
    Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.
    Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night, when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard.
    She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson."
    There is an old saying, "What goes around comes around."
    See you next week,
    Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published Aug. 9, 2007
   When I was much younger I never had time for myself, but I managed to care for my children, my husband and – with a little help from the kids – my house. This was all accomplished while I worked at a full time job. I recall going on vacations with the family and taking more pictures of “things” than anyone could ever imagine. Once in a while, a family member may have been in one of the pictures, but gee, I wanted to have pictures to remind me of the Grand Canyon, Lake Mead, or the Golden Gate Bridge.
    Then, when we all got home, back into the normal groove in which each of us moved, I would have the pictures developed several months later. I’d look at those pictures from the vacation and, try as I might, couldn’t quite remember which picture was taken at which place. If I asked the kids or my husband about the pictures, they couldn’t remember either. All that was usually recalled were the problems we encountered during the trip.
    Those days are several decades past now and I wonder how in the world I did it! Every Saturday, instead of planning to go anywhere or do anything, the house had to be cleaned. Since the kids were all in extra curricular activities, I was usually the one who scurried around the place like a cartoon character chasing the dust bunnies. By the time Sunday rolled around, I was exhausted – but of course Church needed to be attended, after which dinner was served at home.
    After Sunday dinner, the kids went their separate ways for the afternoon, while my husband lay on the couch to watch some ball game. This was my only quiet time of the week, but consequently, it was also the time when I could catch up on whatever I hadn’t finished during the prior week (or month).
    Well, one of my friends sent an email to me that I wish I had thought about during those days when I just knew that my life wasn’t really my own. If I’d slowed down a little bit, then I might be able to recall some of the things that my children so easily remember.
    Enjoy
    Dusting
    "A layer of dust protects the wood beneath it or dust is God's protective covering for fine furniture.
    "A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you' on the furniture. Amen! And my house is sure a home. I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent cleaning! I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect – 'in case someone came over.' Then I realized one day that no one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
    "Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the 'condition' of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.
    "Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, or do some Bible study, spend time with a friend, bake a cake or plant a seed, go play golf, ponder the difference between want and need?
    "Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
    with rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
    music to hear, songs to sing and books to read,
    friends to cherish and life to lead.
    Dust if you must, but the world's out there
    with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
    a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
    This day will not come around again.
    Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
    old age will come and it's not kind.
    And when you go – and go you must –
    you, yourself will make more dust!”
    "It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived. Live well, Love much, Laugh often!"
    See you next week, Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published Aug. 2, 2007
   When cruise control was implemented in vehicles, it took me a while to really get used to it.
    Obviously, over the years, I’ve gotten accustomed to that special option while on a highway, as have most other people. However, when the weather puts some obstacles in my way, like wind, rain and, once in a blue moon, snow or sleet, I never ever use the cruise control.
    One of my email friends sent me some pretty informative information about the hazards of cruise control that I’d like to share with my readers. Be sure to heed this warning when the weather isn’t cooperating with your driving.
    Never knew this before …
    When traveling between Gladewater and Kilgore several weeks ago, a 36-year-old woman had an accident and totaled her car. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. Although not seriously injured, she was stunned at the sudden occurrence.
    When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened, he told her something that every driver should know – never drive in the rain with your cruise control on.
    The woman thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe, consistent speed in the rain. But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when a car begins to hydro-plane and the tires lose contact with the pavement, the car accelerates to a higher rate of speed making it take off like an airplane. The woman told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.
    The patrolman felt another warning – never use the cruise control on wet or icy pavement – should be listed on the driver's seat sun visor, along with the airbag warning.
    We advise our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed, but we never tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry. The only person the accident victim found, who knew this, besides the patrolman, was a driver who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.
    If only one of my readers didn’t know about this, then this column was worth it. A life may have been saved.
    Note: Some vehicles, like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE, will not allow the cruise control to be set when the windshield wipers are on.
    See you next week, 
    Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published July 19, 2007
   When you were a little kid and got a cold, a cough or a sore throat, did your mom immediately slap some Vicks Vaporub on your chest and throat, wrap you up in a clean towel and put you to bed? Well, mine sure did. By morning, if I hadn't suffocated from that strong smell of Vicks, my cold, cough and sore throat had improved enough for me to go to school. Vicks Vaporub was the magic touch from my mom.
    I just received an email from a friend and it appears that my Mom wasn't the only person who knew about the medicinal value of that smelly salve. Apparently, there are some more dramatic uses for that greasy goo. Keep reading, and you might find some additional value in Vicks.
    Enjoy.
    I was raised with Vicks – how come I never knew this? I can hardly wait for my next cough – it's amazing! Read on and become a believer in Vicks Vaporub. It works 100 percent of the time, although the scientists at the Canada Research council (who discovered it) aren't sure why.
    To stop nighttime coughing in a child (or adult, as I found out personally), put Vicks Vaporub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover them with socks.
    Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about five minutes and stay stopped for many hours of relief.
    This works 100 percent of the time and is even more effective with children than strong prescription cough medicines. In addition, it is extremely soothing and comforting. It will also help them sleep soundly.
    We heard the head of the Canadian Research Council describe these findings on behalf of their scientists. They were investigating the effectiveness of prescription cough medicines in children, as compared to alternative therapies like acupressure. They just happened to tune in to AM radio and heard a fellow talking about why cough medicines in kids often do more harm than good, due to the chemical makeup of these drugs.
    It was a surprising discovery and was found to be more effective than prescribed medicines for children at bedtime. It also had a soothing, calming effect on sick children.
    My husband tried it on himself when he had a deep, persistent cough a few weeks ago. It worked quite well. He said that it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped him. The coughing stopped in a few minutes – and this had been a incredibly annoying, every-few-seconds cough. He slept cough-free for hours every night that he used it.
    So, if you have children or grandchildren, pass it on. And if you end up sick, try it yourself. You will be absolutely amazed by the effects of Vicks Vaporub!
    See you next week, Audrey.
Ask Audrey
Published July 12, 2007
   Everybody has a bad day, month or year now and then and each person can list the most miserable times that they’ve experienced. Well, this week we’re going to list fifty things that make us feel all warm, fuzzy and good inside. As you read them, think about each one before going to the next. I can pretty much guarantee that by the time you finish, you’ll feel comforted, at least for today. Cut this out and put it on your fridge, so when you’re feeling down, you can get a quick pick-me-up.
    Enjoy.
    • Falling in love
    • Laughing so hard your face hurts
    • A hot shower
    • No lines at the supermarket
    • A special glance
    • Getting mail
    • Taking a drive on a pretty road
    • Hearing your favorite song on the radio
    • Lying in bed listening to the rain outside
    • Hot towels fresh out of the dryer
    • Finding the sweater you want, on sale at half price
    • Chocolate milkshakes (or vanilla, or strawberry!)
    • A long-distance phone call
    • A relaxing bubble bath
    • Giggling
    • A great conversation
    • The beach
    • Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter
    • Laughing at yourself
    • Midnight phone calls that last for hours
    • Running through sprinklers with your kids
    • Laughing for absolutely no reason at all
    • Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful
    • Laughing at an inside joke
    • Friends
    • Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you
    • Waking up and realizing that you still have a few hours left to sleep
    • Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new love)
    • Making new friends or spending time with old ones
    • Playing with a new puppy
    • Having someone play with your hair
    • Sweet dreams
    • Hot chocolate on a cold day
    • Road trips with friends
    • Swinging on swings
    • Wrapping Christmas presents while eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple
    • Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so that you can sing along without feeling stupid
    • Going to a really good concert
    • Making eye contact with a cute stranger
    • Winning a really competitive game
    • Making chocolate chip cookies with your four-year-old
    • Having your friends send you home-made cookies
    • Spending quality time with close friends
    • Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends
    • Holding hands with someone you care about
    • Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change
    • Riding the best roller coasters over and over
    • Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much-desired present from you
    • Watching the sunrise, and
    • Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
    Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
    See you next week, Audrey.
Ask Audrey
Published July 5, 2007
   How many times have you heard someone complaining about the actions of our postal service workers or about the postal service itself?
    Once in a while some of our mail doesn’t arrive as timely as we think it should and sometimes it doesn’t get to the right destination. We have probably all been concerned or upset at one time or another but when one of my email friends sent this next article to me it definitely made me retract some of my negative thoughts. This is a wonderful story. Enjoy.
    A story of the postal service people need to hear
    Our 14-year-old dog, Abbey, died last month.
    The day after she died, my four-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her.
    She dictated and I wrote:
    Dear God,
    Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? She died yesterday and is in heaven. We miss her very much. We are happy that you let us have her as our dog even though she got sick. I hope that you will play with her. She liked to play with balls and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures of her so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our special dog. But I really do miss her.
    Love,
    Meredith Claire
    P S: Mommy wrote the words after Meredith told them to her.
    We put that in an envelope with two pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God in Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith stuck some stamps on the front (because, as she said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the way to heaven) and that afternoon I let her drop it into the letter box at the post office.
    For a few days, she would ask if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.
    Yesterday there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch.
    Curious, I went to look at it. It had a gold star card on the front and said "To Meredith" in an unfamiliar hand.
    Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, "When a Pet Dies." Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God, in its opened envelope (which was marked Return to Sender: Insufficient address).
    On the opposite page, one of the pictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith." We turned to the back cover, and there was the other picture of Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper:
    Dear Meredith,
    I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrived safely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to me was such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.
    You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me--just like she stays in your heart--young and running and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know.
    Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets, so I can't keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it to you with the pictures so that you will have this book to keep and remember Abbey.
    One of my angels is taking care of this for me. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am in heaven but wherever there is love, I am there also.
    Love,
    God and the special angel who wrote this after God told her the words.
    As a parent and a pet lover, this is one of the kindest things that I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is some very kind soul working in the dead letter office. Just wanted to share this act of compassion.
    What a wonderful thing someone did for this child!
    See you next week,
    Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published June 28, 2007
   I received an interesting item from one of my email friends and thought some of my readers might want to take note of it. Nearly everyone I know uses, or has used, hand sanitizers in a pump container or squeeze bottle. This little tidbit might wake up a few folks who have small children and sometimes forget to keep this stuff away from them. Maybe we should just go back to soap and water.
    Alcohol hand sanitizers
    This is a story about kids and hand sanitizers.  Read it carefully to ensure your kids, or grandkids, are warned. I don’t know where to begin, because the last two days of my life have been such a blur. 
    Yesterday, my youngest daughter Halle, who is four, was rushed to the emergency room by her father because she was severely lethargic and incoherent. He was called to her school by the school secretary because Halle was “very, very sick.” 
    He told me that when he arrived, Halle was barely sitting in the chair. She couldn’t hold her head up, and when he looked into her eyes, she couldn’t focus them. 
    He called me immediately after scooping her up and rushing her to the ER. 
    When we got there, they ran blood test after blood test and did an X-ray – every test imaginable. Her white blood cell count was normal and nothing was out of the ordinary.  The emergency room doctor told us that he had done everything that he could do, so he was sending her to Saint Francis for further tests. 
    Just as we were leaving in the ambulance, her teacher arrived at the ER. After questioning Halle ‘s classmates, we found out she had licked hand sanitizer off her hand. Hand sanitizer, of all things. But it makes sense. These days, there are all kinds of different scents in commercial products and, when you have a curious child, they are going to put lots of things in their mouth. 
    When we arrived at Saint Francis, we told the ER doctor to check her blood alcohol level. Yes, we did get weird looks for asking, but they did it. The results were, her blood alcohol level was 85 percent – and this was six hours after we first took her. There’s no telling what it would have been if we had tested it at the first ER. 
    Since then, her school and a few surrounding schools have taken this out of the classrooms in all the lower grades.
    After doing research on the Internet, we found that it only takes three squirts of this stuff to be fatal to a toddler. For her blood alcohol level to be that high was like someone her size drinking 120 proof liquor. So please please don’t disregard this – I don’t want anyone to ever go through what my family and I have gone through.
    I just want people to be aware of this danger.
    Thank you to Lacey Butler and family for this information.
Ask Audrey
Published June 21, 2007
   I was talking with a teenager the other day and mentioned the fact that I really haven't been able to adjust to the new slang, or terms being used by youngsters these days. A number of my friends and I are of "a certain age”, and one of my friends sent me an email that I just know some folks out in readerland might be able to identify with.
    Enjoy: 
    I came across this phrase yesterday: "fender skirts” – a term I haven't heard in a long time. Thinking about "fender skirts” made me remember other words which quietly disappeared from our language with hardly a notice, like "curb feelers" and "steering knob" (a.k.a. “suicide knob”). Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went in that direction first. Kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to them.
    Remember "Continental kits"?
    They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
    When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes"?
    At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake”.
    I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed”.
    Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
    Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth, but never anymore: "store-bought”. Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
    "Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the word "worldwide" for granted too. This floors me.
    On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the 50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with (wow) wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
    When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way”? It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way", or simply, "expecting.”
    Apparently, "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
    I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
    Most of these words go back to the 50s, but here's a pure 60s word I came across the other day – "rat fink”. Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
    Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker”;  how dull. I blame you, Mr. Coffee!
    I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern, and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "Spectra Vision!"
    Food for thought: was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
    Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is "supper." Now, everybody says "dinner.”
    Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts
    We must be getting close to becoming "old fogeys,” huh?
    See you next week,  Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published June 14, 2007
   In the last few months, weeks and days, some of my good friends and acquaintances have passed away without my knowledge other than being notified by another friend or by seeing an obituary in the newspaper.
    My wonderful "other mother" is currently living on borrowed time. Her vital organs are shutting down, and she can no longer recognize some of her closest relatives.
    Thinking about how very short our lives are produces some food for thought.
    When the people I have loved and cared about leave this world suddenly or if they linger prior to leaving, I always wonder if I've said or done the right things before they left.
    We frequently become too intent on dwelling on negative thoughts or deeds. Sometimes we speak judgments too quickly without realizing the ramifications of our words.
    One of my friends sent a short message that caught my heart and I would like to share it with my readers. Enjoy this short read and always think about how short our lives really are!
    The most beautiful rainbow
    As we grow up, we learn that even the one person who wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will.
    You will have your heart broken – probably more than once – and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
    You'll fight with your best friend.
    You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
    You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
    So, take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
    Don't be afraid that your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.
    Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
    See you next week,  Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published June 7, 2007
   Having had the good fortune of having my Mother still with me as she approaches the end of her 95th year and having also been in the animal care business for the last several years I certainly can relate to this short story of absolute truth about the state of health care in our country. This also applies to the pharmaceutical industry. In order to keep my Momma around to play pool on each of her birthdays, the cost of her medicine for one month equals more than her monthly house mortgage.
    I've often wondered how other senior citizens survive without the assistance of their children. I've opted to help my Momma manage her own home along with her pets. She fixes extra meals for my husband when I've worked all day and she sits at her computer and either plays games or sends emails to her friends who are still kickin'. But how in the world could she do it without help she asks. Read on and you'll see what I mean.   
    Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
    The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.
    The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits 18 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for six months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
    The first is a Golden Retriever: The second is a Senior Citizen.  
Ask Audrey
Published May 31, 2007
    On a different note I thought ya'll might enjoy and actually identify with the following. I gave birth to five children and it got a lot worse for my fourth and fifth kids.
    Birth Order of Children (Those poor kids)
    Clothes:
    1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
    2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
    3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
    Preparing for the Birth:
    1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
    2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
    3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
    The Layette:
    1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
    2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
    3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
    Worries:
    1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
    2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
    3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
    Pacifier:
    1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
    2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor,you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
    3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
    Diapering:
    1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
    2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
    3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
    Activities:
    1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
    2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
    3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
    Going Out:
    1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
    2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
    3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
    This one is my favorite:
    At Home:
    1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
    2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
    3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
    Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
    1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
    2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
    3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you?deduct it from his allowance!
    When I get old, I WILL wear purple!
Ask Audrey
Published May 24, 2007
   I've reflected in earlier articles about the fascinating perceptions that come out of the mouth of babes concerning different topics that we, adults, take for granted. When a group of professional people got together they decided to pose this question to a group of four to six year-old, "What does love mean?". The answers they got were much broader and deeper than anybody could have imagined. Let's see what you think:
    "What does love mean?"
    "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."  Rebecca- age 8
    "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
    "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
    Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
    "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
    "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
    "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8
    "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
    "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
    "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
    "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
    "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
    Mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
    Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
    "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
    "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
    "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
    "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7
    LOVE is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
    You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
    And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
    The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
    Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
    When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Ask Audrey
Published May 10, 2007
   When I first started writing this little column, I tried to bring some trivia to light so my readers could be better informed after reading these little tidbits. I also asked for some of my readers to email or drop a line about some interesting event or piece of trivia that might spark some curiosity. I've included some funny bits and pieces as well as some thought-provoking material. This week, I received some very interesting trivia from one of my email friends and decided to share these items with my readers. Enjoy:
    In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
    The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
    Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
    Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
    Coca-Cola was originally green.
    It is impossible to lick your elbow.
    The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
    The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.
    The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400.
    The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000.
    Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
    The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
    The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile national monuments.
    Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great leader from history: Spades - King David, Hearts ­ Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
    111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
    If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
    Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence July 4, 1776 : John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed Aug, 2, but the last signature wasn't added until five years later.
    Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace
    Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession
    Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
    A. One thousand
    Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
    A. All were invented by women.
    Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
    A. Honey
    Q. On which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
    A. Father's Day
    In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
    It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
    In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
    Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
    At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
    AND FINALLY
    (Don't skip trying to read this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.)
    I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
    See you next week, Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published May 3, 2007
   This past Saturday I was invited to and did attend a party for my granddaughter, Emily's, ninth birthday. This event was being held at a roller skating rink in San Antonio.
    Now I do remember, while living in Omaha, Neb., when my own children spent a great deal of their time at the skating rink. I also remember watching with bated breath how very skilled they all were. However, I almost never stayed with them while they skated for the next two to three hours. I always came back to pick them up after their allotted playtime. Consequently I never had the need to take advantage of the public bathrooms at the skating rink. This wasn't the case this past Saturday.
    Fortunately I didn't enter the restroom alone because a friend was with me taking her small child to potty at the same time. After having to perform this natural act of nature in this particular place I remembered having read a small soliloquy about another woman who had gone through much the same as I did on Saturday, I thought that some of my female readers could definitely identify.
    Reflect and enjoy….
    When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
    You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
    Ahhhh, relief. More relief. But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter Scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
    Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
    "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat, because you never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
    You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat, because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then you slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, you are no longer able to smile politely.
    One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
    As you exit you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
    This is dedicated to women everywhere to have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest? you've got to be kidding!) It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
    It's so the other woman can hold the door, hold your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.
    See you next week Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published April 26, 2007
   There are times in everyone's lives when something happens that starts out being disastrous but can ultimately turn into the funniest of undertakings. I'm pretty sure that most of my readers have either witnessed or have been part one of these endeavors. If anybody out there would like to send to me and let me have it printed, please do so because it's always nice to know that we're not alone when involved in an unfortunate incident.
    I received a thought provoking account from one of my loyal readers and, with his permission, would like to share this little story with you.
    Has anything like this ever happened to you?  Enjoy!
    At one time I lived next to a gentleman who owned a pet rabbit. It was a big fat white rabbit.
    His pet was kept in a hutch strongly build of wood and chicken wire, set on legs four feet above ground level. This enabled him to easily and comfortable clean the cage and feed, water, brush and play with his bunny without getting down on all fours in the grass.
    This hutch-on-high placed the long-eared critter comfortably out of reach of my pet, a short-legged dog of the rabbit-hound variety, named Alfonso.
    Although my dog and I had occasionally hunted cotton-tail rabbits together, I knew the difference between a wild cotton-tail and a neighbor's pampered pet. Unfortunately, Alfonso did not.
    Early each morning, when released from the house, he invariable caught the rascally rabbit's scent and confronted the pet rabbit's castle on stilts.
    The dog could never bound high enough to even see into the rabbit's home. Regardless, he barked and jumped as if to dare the fuzzy beast to come down onto the grass to play. For his part, the rabbit completely ignored Alfonso.
    This confrontation occurred almost every morning. Alfonso would give up after a few minutes to begin again the next day as if he had never seen the hutch before. I never worried because the hutch was impregnable, wasn't it?
    One morning I noticed the baying continued longer than normal and was interrupted by short intervals of complete silence. Curious, I went to the window and witnessed my dog with a rabbit in his mouth. A fat white bunny!
    Alfonso good naturedly tossed the woolly white rabbit into the air. He then barked when the poor, limp and listless critter failed to move. He would then take the poor thing softly in his slobbering mouth and drag it around the yard before tossing it skyward and barking again.
    Shocked and terrified of what my neighbor might do if he returned unexpectedly, I sprinted for the back yard. I quickly separated the two and confirmed that the bunny was no longer breathing.
    I considered mouth to mouth resuscitation but the rabbit was so wet and muddy and his fur was so matted that I couldn't bring myself to attempt the life saving technique. Also, I was too worried about the image of me pressing the fat, fuzzy and rapidly stiffening rabbit against my mouth. Someone might get the impression that I was the direct cause of his demise.
    Shutting Alfonso in the basement, I decided to clean the poor perished pet. If I could just successfully return it to the hutch unseen, my neighbor might think he bunny died peacefully of old-age having lived a full and rich life.
    I carefully washed dog saliva and mud from the lifeless carcass using soap and water. I then secretly borrowed my wife's hair blower and artfully dried and arranged the white fluffy fur into a"natural look."¯
    When completed, I skillfully returned the dearly departed remains to the hutch, arranging the body in a seemingly normal position as if it had dies while enjoying the scenery. I then returned to my home vowing never to mention the incident.
    For several days I lived on pins and needles when I saw my neighbor. However I heard no accusations about his pet's death.
    Some time later my wife said she had talked briefly to the neighbor. Guessing the topic, I guiltily stared at the toes of my shoes and kept my mouth shut.
    She explained that the neighbor told her that the most unusual thing had occurred to his rabbit several days ago. As he prepared to go to work, he found that his rabbit had died quietly in his sleep.
    With those words, I smiled. Noticing the smile on my face, my wife stopped. I quickly turned my attention to the toes of my shoes.
    She continued the story. The neighbor told her that he had dug a grave and buried his pet in the yard. The next morning he was astonished to find the dead rabbit again inside his cage, high off the ground! He told her the rabbit didn't even show signs of having been buried for 24 hours in the dirt!
    See you next week,  Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published April 19, 2007
   When I receive emails, there are always some that make me realize the little things that happen in our lives are more important than we appreciate.
    As we all should know, we certainly won't live forever, even though, with the longevity of a few of our loved ones, it would sometimes seem so. Can we take some of what we've learned during our lives with us when we do pass on?
    Well, after reading this next short story, maybe we can all figure out how to get our messages across to the loved ones we leave behind in this mortal world. Enjoy and ponder a bit!
    A young woman had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and been given three months to live. As she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
    She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like to have read and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
    Everything was in order, but as the pastor was preparing to leave, the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
    "There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
    "What's that?" the pastor asked.
    "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
    Not knowing quite what to say, the pastor stared at the young woman.
    "That surprises you, doesn't it?" she asked.
    "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.
    The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
    "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the main course dishes were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie – something wonderful, and with substance. "So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, ‘What's with the fork?'
    Then I want you to tell them, ‘Keep your fork. The best is yet to come'."
    Tears of joy welled in the pastor's eyes as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death.
    But he also knew that she had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She knew something better was coming.
    At the funeral, people walking by the young woman's casket saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over, he smiled to himself.
    During his message, the pastor told the people of his conversation with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
    So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you – ever so gently – the best is yet to come.
    See you next week,  Audrey
Ask Audrey
Published April 12, 2007
   Sifting through my emails, I occasionally come across one that stirs a special memory in my mind.
    As a small child, I lived with my Grandma and Grandpa and I remembered wondering if I would ever really see the roly-poly man in the red suit leave a present for me under the Christmas tree. Since we didn't have a fireplace, I wondered how he would ever get into the house.
    When my older brother told me that there was no Santa Claus, I asked my Grandma if it were true. She just dismissed the question, telling me that my brother didn't know what he was talking about.
    When I read this next story, it reminded me about that small space in time. I thought that maybe it might awaken a special thought for one of my readers.
    Enjoy….
    Adventures with Grandma
    I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma.
    I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb. "There is no Santa Claus," she had jeered, "even dummies know that!" My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world-famous cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.
    Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me.
    "No Santa Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad – plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go."
    "Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of everything. As we walked through the doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars – a bundle in those days.
    "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.
    I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.
    I thought of everybody I knew – my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's second grade class.
    Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out for recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all the kids knew Bobby Decker didn't have a cough, and he just didn't have a coat.
    I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy coat with a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that. "Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes," I replied shyly. "It's … for Bobby."
    The nice lady smiled at me. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag and wished me a "Merry Christmas."
    That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons. A little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible. I wrote, "To Bobby, from Santa Claus" on the present. Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. As she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, she explained that I was now and forever officially one of Santa's helpers. Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge.
    "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."
    I took a deep breath, dashed for Bobby's front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby. Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering beside my Grandma in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were, ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.
    I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside that says, "$19.95."
Ask Audrey
Published April 5, 2007