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Ask Audrey columns from 2006 & 2005 in the on-line edition of the Courier:

Return to current Audrey columns
Dec. 28, 2006 Dec. 21, 2006 Dec. 7, 2006 Nov. 30, 2006 Nov. 23, 2006 Nov. 16, 2006 Nov. 9, 2006 Nov. 2, 2006 Oct. 26, 2006 Oct. 19, 2006 Oct. 12, 2006 Sept. 21, 2006 Sept. 14, 2006 Sept. 7, 2006	Aug. 31, 2006 Aug. 24, 2006 Aug. 17, 2006 Aug. 10, 2006 Aug. 3, 2006 March 9, 2006 Feb. 23, 2006 Feb. 16, 2006 Feb. 2, 2006 Jan. 12, 2006 Jan. 5, 2006 Dec. 29, 2005 Dec. 22, 2005 Dec. 15, 2005 Dec. 8, 2005
Ask Audrey first column	Published Dec. 1, 2005
Current Audrey columns	Audrey columns from 2007

Ask Audrey Published Dec. 28, 2006    Marilyn has asked some questions that I thought some of my readers might have also wondered about. She asked three questions.     1. Does blowing on hot soup really make it cooler?     2. How does a dog sweat?     3. What happens to a bullet fired straight into the air?      Well, not personally knowing the exact answers to these queries I turned to the famous Yahoo.com for all three. Following are the very interesting replies.     Does blowing on hot soup really make it cooler?     Your question brings to mind Aesop's fable about a cold, hungry man who was lost in the woods. A kind satyr took pity on him and invited him into his home. At one point, the man blew on his hands to warm them, and later, when the satyr served him dinner, the man blew on his soup to cool it.     The satyr kicked the man out, stating, "I will have nought to do with a man who can blow hot and cold with the same breath." Hence the expression about an unpredictable person "blowing hot and cold."       But we digress, so let's get to your question. Did the man give up his nice warm accommodations for "nought," or did he know what he was doing when he blew on his soup to cool it? It appears blowing on your soup does have a valid scientific effect. According to this light-hearted transcript from a scientific radio show broadcast by Indiana University, it's caused by evaporation.     When you sit down to that steaming bowl of soup, the faster-moving, hotter particles "leap off the surface," evaporating and leaving the slower-moving, cooler particles behind. But these evaporated particles form a little cloud of vapor above your bowl, saturating the air and preventing any more evaporation. When you blow on your soup, you disperse the vapor cloud. This clears the air, so to speak, for more hot particles to evaporate, thus cooling the soup.     Of course, just 'cause it works doesn't mean it's considered proper or polite.     Marilyn asks:  How do dogs sweat?     Not being a dog, we have no idea. So we asked an on-the-go pooch how he stays cool.     Ask Yahoo!: Lefty, thanks for helping us out. Lefty: My pleasure.     Y!: You lead an active life. Chasing cats, running around the yard, and so forth. How in the world do you stay "fresh"? Lefty: That's a personal question, but in the interest of furthering canine-human understanding, I'll answer it. You see, dogs don't have a lot of sweat glands. Humans have 'em all over their bodies, but ours are located primarily on our footpads. Those work, but we cool down primarily by panting.     Y!: Ah, so when we see dogs walking around with their tongues hanging out, they're actually sweating? Lefty: Not exactly. We don't have sweat glands on our tongues. Our mouths produce a lot of saliva. When we pant, air moves across the tongue and saliva, which helps to cool us down.     Y!: And that's enough? Lefty: Not really, no. Dogs can also get rid of excess heat by dilating blood vessels in our faces and ears. The process isn't as efficient as a person's, but it does the job.     Y!: Interesting. Any final thoughts? Lefty: Yes, to all you dog "owners" -- please remember to fill the water dish regularly. We like tap water, and plenty of it.     Marilyn asks:  What happens to a bullet fired straight into the air?     Popular TV show "Mythbusters" addressed this question, and concluded that a bullet shot perfectly straight in the air probably isn't dangerous, because of terminal velocity. However (and this is a big however), firing a gun straight in the air is very difficult. It's far more likely that the bullet will be shot at an angle. These falling bullets can be, and often are, lethal.     In January 2006, a Mississippi farmer was paralyzed by a falling bullet. At a 2003 Ku Klux Klan initiation ceremony in Tennessee, a stray bullet struck a participant "on the top of the head and exited at the bottom of his skull."     The Straight Dope agrees that many people have been struck by stray bullets. Between 1985 and 1992, a trauma center in Los Angeles treated 118 people for injuries caused by falling bullets, and 38 of the victims were killed. The International Action Network on Small Arms is doing its best to increase awareness about the dangers of celebratory gunfire.     So, to wrap things up, shooting guns in the air is a dangerous and unwise activity. If you're excited and feel the need to make a lot of noise, we recommend you use a cowbell. It's annoying, but at least there's no threat of injury.     See you next week,  Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Dec. 21, 2006    Tis' the Christmas season and most of my friends are preparing for a joyous and happy Christmas Day.     Many of the young people in our lives have only read about some of the wars in which our country has been involved. Having been born as one of the "baby boomers," the most indelible war in my mind is the "Vietnam War." Many of our friends also remember the "Korean War," "World War II" and my mother's remembrance of "World War I."     Our great nation has sacrificed tens of thousands of our young men and women in the name of freedom before, during and after each of those wars. Now we are engaged in a desperate war in the Middle East and our brave soldiers are putting their lives on the line yet again.     We sometimes forget about how difficult life can be for some of those soldiers at this time of year when they can't be home with their loved ones. The following poem was written by an unknown soldier who had but one request which follows the poem. Don't forget to remember those who have given so much and have received so little in return.     The Night Before Christmas     It was the Night before Christmas, He live all alone, in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.     I had come down the chimney with presents to give, and to see just who in this home did live. I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.     No stockings by the mantle, just boots filled with sand, on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.     With medals and badges, awards of all kinds, a sober thought came through my mind.     For this house was different, it was dark and dreary, I found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.     The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone, curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.     The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder, not how I pictured a United State soldier.     Was this the hero of whom I'd just read? Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?     I realized the families that I saw this night, owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.     Soon round the world, the children would play, and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.     They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.     I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.     The very thought brought a tear to my eye. I dropped to my knees and started to cry.     The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice say, "Santa, don't cry this life is my choice.     "I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more, my life is my God, my country, my home."     The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.     I kept watch for hours, so silent and still and we both shivered from the cold night's chill.     I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.     Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure."     One look at my watch and I knew he was right. "Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night."     I think this is a reasonable request.....PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to pass on this small seed of remembrance.     See you next week,     Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Dec. 7, 2006    Sometimes I sit and gaze at my Mother in wonderment. She was born in June, 1912 in a small town in Iowa. Momma was brought into a world so far distant from my realm of imagination that when I look at tintypes and pictures of her as a baby and the clothes that her Mother and Grandmother wore it seems as though I'm watching stills from motion pictures.     Momma married my Dad when she was 21 years old. I was the youngest and only daughter of four children and consequently was a bit sheltered by my older brothers. My Mother and Father divorced when I was three years old and both remarried a few years later.     Luckily I've remained very close with my Step-Mother as has my Momma. Yes, both of those ladies became close friends as my brothers and I grew up. I guess my Father was drawn to his second wife because she was and is so very much like my own Mother.       When my Father passed away in 1988, his widow and ex-wife began traveling together in their car. They used to drive to Chicago to visit me when I lived there and they would often get lost or run out of gas while driving due to their constant reminiscing about their lives.     When we moved to Texas, those great ladies drove all the way from Omaha, Neb., down here to take a gander at the Hill Country. It was the last trip that they ever took together in a car.     Apparently, during that last adventure together, one of them, the one that was driving, drifted off to sleep when the other looked up and yelled, "Hey! Wake up! You're headed for the ditch!!"     The decision was then made. They agreed that they needed a different form of travel. They were and still are a great pair to draw to.     I remember when my Momma was 80 years old and was told that she had a malignant tumor attached to her kidney. She was told by her doctor that she would have to have the kidney removed. Her immediate reply was "Well, I'm 80 years old and I don't know if my body can take it!     "The doctor let her know that she was "a very young 80." She had the kidney removed and one year later had a second knee replacement without any complications.     That was 15 years ago and she's just beginning to slow down a little. She can certainly find her way around a pool table without assistance though.     I have asked Momma repeatedly just how it feels to be 94. Heck, I started asking her that same question when she was 80. Her reply is always the same. She doesn't feel any differently than when she was a young woman. Her only problem is that her body can't keep up with her mind.     Otherwise, she's getting on quite well.     For those of you who are fortunate enough to still have your parents with you and for those of you who have lost them I'm sharing a letter that was sent to me recently. I truly believe that I am one of the luckiest people on the earth because I still have my wonderful Momma and I treasure each and every day with her as a very special gift. I love you Momma.        Enjoy and always heed.     beautifully said...     It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on a new life with my mate.  And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago.  I wonder where all the years have gone.  I know that I must have lived them all, but... I remember how it was back then, all those hopes and dreams.     But, here it is today...the winter of my life...and it has caught me by surprise... How did it get here so fast?  Where did the years go, and where did my babies go?  And where did my youth go?  And what happened to those hopes and dreams?     I remember well my youth... seeing those older people and thinking that they were distant years from me...and that my winter was so far away that it might never be... But, here it is... It has happened.      I've become one of those older folks that I used to see...and never thought I'd be.     And so, I've entered this new season of my life unprepared for aches and pains, and loss of energy, and the inability to do those things so important to me.     But, at least I can acknowledge that my winter has come.     It's uncertain how long it will last, but this I know...there's no going back.     Yes, I have regrets.      There are things I wish I'd done, and others I wish I hadn't done.  But indeed, there are things that I did do well.  It's all in a lifetime... If you're not yet to your winter season be assured that it will be here long before you are ready.       Get on with those things that you want to accomplish!  Don't wait until tomorrow...or they will never get done! Life goes by so quickly.  Do for today because you can never be sure whether your own winter might be right around the corner!     There's no assurance of more seasons...so live for today.  Do those things that should be done, and say those things that should be said...Life is a gift to you.  The way you live it is your gift to those around you, and to those who come after you.     LIVE LIFE WELL!     ~author unknown~     See you next week, Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Nov. 30, 2006    One of my email friends sent me an award list that I felt I really must print so that my readers can take a look at people who do still exist who haven't yet succeeded in "doing themselves in" accidentally. These people aren't even the stunt men/women who perform those death defying feats for feature movies. These folks are just plain careless and would make OSHA run for cover. Oh, yes, and one more thing, people like these are all around us and guess what, they vote, too.      ----- It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.  Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.      This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!    Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.     And the nominees were:     Semifinalist #1: A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.  Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house.  This resulting explosion and fire-burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.     Semifinalist #2: Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached.  It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.  They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.     Semifinalist #3: A 22-year-old Reston, Virg., man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.  Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.      Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.  "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.  Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."     Semifinalist #4: A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.  It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.  The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.     Semifinalist #5: Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak.  Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.      After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.     Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.  To their frustration, none of the lights worked.  Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.  Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.     Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.  The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.     Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):     The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.  The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.     Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery.  An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.      He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!     The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site.  This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.     The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.  The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.     However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater three feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.  However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.     Epilogue:  It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420 mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground. You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?!?     (AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE STILL ALL AROUND US) -- SCARY, ISN'T IT. See you next week,  Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Nov. 23, 2006    I don't know how many of my readers can identify with this next poem, but I certainly can. There are so very many differences in our society now than in the land of Sandra Dee. At that time, if you can remember, our parents really thought that the world was becoming so decadent and we teenagers would never be able to understand or be competent enough to "run the country."     Compare those teenagers with the teenagers of today and you probably won't find too many differences.     Enjoy!     The Land of Sandra Dee     Long ago and far away,     In a land that time forgot,     Before the days of Dylan     Or the dawn of Camelot.     There lived a race of innocents,     And they were you and me,     Long ago and far away,     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     Oh, there was truth and goodness     In that land where we were born,     Where navels were for oranges,     And Peyton Place was porn.     For Ike was in the White House,     And Hoss was on TV,     And God was in his heaven     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We learned to gut a muffler,     We washed our hair at dawn,     We spread our crinolines to dry     In circles on the lawn.     And they could hear us coming     All the way to Tennessee ,     All starched and sprayed and rumbling     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We longed for love and romance,     And waited for the prince,     And Eddie Fisher married Liz,     And no one's seen him since.     We danced to "Little Darlin'",     And sang to "Stagger Lee"     And cried for Buddy Holly     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     Only girls wore earrings then,     And three was one too many,     And only boys wore flat-top cuts,     Except for Jean McKinney.     And only in our wildest dreams     Did we expect to see     A boy named George with lipstick     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We fell for Frankie Avalon,     Annette was oh, so nice,     And when they made a movie,     They never made it twice.     We didn't have a Star Trek Five,     Or Psycho Two and Three,     Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,     And Chester had a limp,     And Reagan was a Democrat     Whose co-star was a chimp.     We had a Mr Wizard,     But not a Mr T,     And Oprah couldn't talk yet     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We had our share of heroes,     We never thought they'd go,     At least not Bobby Darin,     Or Marilyn Monroe.     For youth was still eternal,     And life was yet to be,     And Elvis was forever,     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We'd never seen the rock band     That was Grateful to be Dead,     And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson ,     And Zeppelins weren't Led.     And Beatles lived in gardens then,     And Monkees in a tree,     Madonna was a virgin     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We'd never heard of Microwaves,     Or telephones in cars,     And babies might be bottle-fed,     But they weren't grown in jars.     And pumping iron got wrinkles out,     And  "gay" meant fancy-free,     And dorms were never coed     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We hadn't seen enough of jets     To talk about the lag,     And microchips were what was left at     The bottom of the bag.     And hardware was a box of nails,     And bytes came from a flea,     And rocket ships were fiction     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     Buicks came with portholes,     And side shows came with freaks,     And bathing suits came big enough     To cover both your cheeks.     And Coke came just in bottles,     And skirts came to the knee,     And Castro came to power     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     We had no Crest with fluoride,     We had no Hill Street Blues,     We all wore superstructure bras     Designed by Howard Hughes.     We had no patterned pantyhose     Or Lipton herbal tea     Or prime-time ads for condoms     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     There were no Golden Arches,     No Perriers to chill,     And fish were not called Wanda,     And cats were not called Bill.     And middle-aged was thirty-five     And old was forty-three,     And ancient were our parents     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     But all things have a season,     Or so we've heard them say,     And now instead of Maybelline     We swear by Retin-A.     And they send us invitations     To join AARP,     We've come a long way, baby,     From the Land of Sandra Dee.     So now we face a brave new world     In slightly larger jeans,     And wonder why they're using     Smaller print in magazines.     And we tell our children's children     Of the way it used to be,     Long ago and far away     In the Land of Sandra Dee.     See you next week,  Audrey

Ask Audrey If you're really thirsty would you prefer to drink water or Coke? Published Nov. 16, 2006    This is really an eye opener... Water or Coke? We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before.     WATER     1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.     2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.     3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.     4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.     5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.     6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.     7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.     8. Drinking five glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.     And now for the properties of COKE:     1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.     2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.     4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.     5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.     6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.     7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for some sumptuous brown gravy.     8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.     9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. For Your Info:     1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.     2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.     3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!     Now the question is, would you rather have a Coca-Cola or a nice glass of water?     See you next week,     Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Nov. 9, 2006    How many times have you heard a little trivia, mentioned what you've just learned to a friend who responds with, "Oh, I already knew that"?     Wouldn't you just like to ask that same friend if he/she could answer at least one of the bits of trivia listed below. Give it a shot, let he/she know that maybe he/she still has a few things to learn. Turn these facts into questions and just see who wins the gold ring. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches two to six years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over 100 vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have had a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of six months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo DaVinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words "racecar," "kayak" and "level" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.     .............Now you know everything     See you next week,  Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Nov. 2, 2006    I'd like to thank the many folks who send me interesting tidbits that I can send on to my readers. I get so very many that I can't always keep up with them. When I get an article that reminds me of my childhood, I want to share this little bit of nostalgia for those of you who might be reminded as well. This was sent to me by one of my "older but wiser" friends.  Enjoy!     What the heck is a fender skirt?     I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS." A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."     Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.?     Remember "Continental kits"? They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.     When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake." I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed". Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?     Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore: "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy."     "Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.     On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the 50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.     When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?"  It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company.  So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."     Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my grand-daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now.  "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.     I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.     Most of these words go back to the 1950s, but here's a pure 60s word I came across the other day, "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!     Here's a word I miss: percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.     I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux" Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"     Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore!     Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most is "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.     See you next week,  Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Oct. 26, 2006    How many times have you heard folks being castigated for drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or eating too much chocolate? One of my email buddies sent a little story that explains that some of the helpful messages people try to convey to the alcohol drinking, cigarette smoking and chocolate eating population get a little muddled up.     A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.?Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.     The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.?At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:     The first worm in alcohol -Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead. The fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?     Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"     A large number of my readers are probably "grown-up" enough that they can all identify with a few of these next 25 signs that really show it. Sadly, I can identify with most of them, how about you?     1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.     2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.     3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.     4. 6 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.     5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.     6. You watch the Weather Channel.     7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."     8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.     9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."     10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the music.     11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.     12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.     13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.     14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.     15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.     16. You take naps.     17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.     18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.     19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.     20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."     21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.     22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."     23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.     24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.     25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"     Bonus:     26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.     See you next week, Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Oct. 19, 2006    Have you ever seen anyone being offered a paper bag to a person who was exhibiting symptoms of being overly anxious or nervous? The paper bag is offered for the person to breathe into and inhale from. One of my email friends asked if this process really works or if it is just an "old wives tale."     Since Yahoo seems to be able to find the answers to most questions, I received this answer: This really does work! Some instances of hyperventilation are relatively mild. Anxious or nervous people start to feel they can't get enough oxygen and they breathe too quickly. This lowers the carbon dioxide level in the blood, which can cause "symptoms of numbness and tingling of the hands, and dizziness."     The paper bag works effectively because it forces the person to breathe in the carbon dioxide rather than "lose it into the atmosphere." After 5 to 15 minutes, the feeling of panic usually goes away. Just be careful not to overdo it and breathe in too much carbon dioxide.     Of course, when it comes to all things medical, it pays to err on the side of caution. If you're having trouble breathing and suspect something other than a mild case of hyperventilation, please seek medical assistance. And, for Pete's sake, never use a plastic bag.

Ask Audrey Published Oct. 12, 2006    How many of my readers out there like puzzles? I remember sitting with the newspaper and trying to rearrange the letters in the jumbled words games to come up with the right answers. It took me forever and most of the time I didn't have enough time to figure them all out. Well, somebody had a whole lot of extra time on their hands when they rearranged the letters in some ordinary words that we all might hear every day. I thought ya'll might find each outcome pretty interesting and sometimes fascinating.     DORMITORY:     When you rearrange the letters:     DIRTY ROOM     PRESBYTERIAN:     When you rearrange the letters:     BEST IN PRAYER     ASTRONOMER:     When you rearrange the letters:     MOON STARER     DESPERATION:     When you rearrange the letters:     A ROPE ENDS IT     THE EYES:     When you rearrange the letters:     THEY SEE     GEORGE BUSH:     When you rearrange the letters:     HE BUGS GORE     THE MORSE CODE:     When you rearrange the letters:     HERE COME DOTS     SLOT MACHINES:     When you rearrange the letters:     CASH LOST IN ME     ANIMOSITY:     When you rearrange the letters:     IS NO AMITY     ELECTION RESULTS:     When you rearrange the letters:     LIES - LET'S RECOUNT     SNOOZE ALARMS:     When you rearrange the letters:     ALAS! NO MORE Z'S     A DECIMAL POINT:     When you rearrange the letters:     I'M A DOT IN PLACE     THE EARTHQUAKES:     When you rearrange the letters:     THAT QUEER SHAKE     ELEVEN PLUS TWO:     When you rearrange the letters:     TWELVE PLUS ONE     AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:     MOTHER-IN-LAW:     When you rearrange the letters:     WOMAN HITLER     Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).     Homes are broken into regularly and in most cases, the perpetrators are never caught and made to be responsible for what they've done. Families have tried everything from wireless security systems to outside motion sensors and it seems like nothing seems to work perfectly. One of my email friends sent a great recipe for the installation of a home security system Texas style. This one just might work.     1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.     2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and some NRA magazines.     3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.     4. Leave a note on your door that reads:     "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait in your truck till I get back."     See you next week, Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Sept. 21, 2006    Imagine, if you will, the possibility of 40 days and 40 nights of constant rain. What if Noah, way back in BC was alive in this year of 2006. If the Almighty were to order Noah to build an Ark saving two of every living thing along with a few good humans, just think of the complications with which Noah would be faced. With a timetable of only six months to complete this task, Noah would have to consider and discuss just how nearly impossible it would be carry out this task. This is probably how it would go:     In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.     Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."     He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."     Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.     "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"     "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.     Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.     Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!     When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.     They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.     Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.     I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.     Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.     The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.     To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.     So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "     Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"     "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Ask Audrey Published Sept. 14, 2006    Last week we all read about the alterations in our needs when looking for "the perfect man." This week one of my friends wanted to have all of my readers realize just what some folks have learned from their live experiences. When I read them I remembered many of the small and seemingly insignificant lessons I've learned from life and the people I've met, loved and sometimes the ones that I've lost. If you think about how different memories have affected your lives, then I'm sure you'll enjoy reading this and you'll probably be able to reflect on things that have changed your own lives just a little bit. Enjoy.     I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5     I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7     I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9     I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12     I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14     I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15     I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24     I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's greatest pleasures. Age 26     I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age29     I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30     I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42     I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note or giving them a smile. Age 44     I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46     I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47     I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48     I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49     I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50     I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51     I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52     I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53     I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58     I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61     I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62     I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64     I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65     I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66     I learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72     I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82     I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90     I learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92     See you next week,     Audrey

Ask Audrey by Doug White Published Sept. 7, 2006    As a little girl (I really do remember) my grandmother always wore aprons. The ones she wore had fancy bibs and the front of the apron covered her dress from side to side, top to bottom. She had pockets in her apron where she kept her important "stuff" although she could still lift the bottom of her apron to carry something. One of my email friends sent me a history report of the old rural Grandma's aprons and I thought my readers would definitely be able to identify with memories of their own.  Enjoy.     The History of Aprons     I think this will probably remind everybody of somebody in the family.     The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.     It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.     From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.     When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids     And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.     Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove     Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.     From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.     In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.     When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.     When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.     It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.     Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons.     REMEMBER: Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.     Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill not to cool but to thaw.     Some of my female friends are single and are maybe in the market for a male companion. I ran across this particular article and remembered when I had dreamed of meeting the perfect man. It's funny though how the list of wants changes with the years.  Maybe some of my readers will notice the definite acceptances as the decades fly by.       What I Want in a Man- Original List:     1.  Handsome     2.  Charming     3.  Financially successful     4.  A caring listener     5.  Witty     6.  In good shape     7.  Dresses with style     8.  Appreciates finer things     9.  Full of thoughtful surprises     10.  An imaginative, romantic lover      What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)     1. Nice looking      2. Opens car doors, holds chairs     3. Has enough money for a nice dinner     4. Listens more than talks     5. Laughs at my jokes     6. Carries bags of groceries with ease     7. Owns at least one tie     8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal     9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries     10. Seeks romance at least once a week     What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)     1. Not too ugly     2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car     3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally     4. Nods head when I'm talking     5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes     6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture     7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach     8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids     9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down     10. Shaves most weekends     What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)     1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed     2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public     3. Doesn't borrow money too often     4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting     5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times     6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends     7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear     8. Appreciates a good TV dinner     9. Remembers your name on occasion     10. Shaves some weekends     What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)     1. Doesn't scare small children     2. Remembers where bathroom is     3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep     4. Only snores lightly when asleep     5. Remembers why he's laughing     6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself     7. Usually wears some clothes     8. Likes soft foods     9. Remembers where he left his teeth     10. Remembers that it's the weekend     What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)     1. Breathing     2. Doesn't miss the toilet.     See you next week,  Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Aug. 31, 2006    The last two Saturdays I was able to watch two of my favorite girls get hitched at the altar. It takes such a long and laborious amount of time and money to prepare for such a short ceremony. Ultimately the preparation is actually the most important. It’s a lot easier to say “I do” or “I will,” than making sure that the flowers are correct, the dresses fit everyone properly, the hair and makeup (on everyone in the wedding party) is perfect, that the children all behave and perform well, that the groom is standing and ready before the bride shows up, that the place for the wedding reception has been decorated properly and that the photographer is taking all of the right pictures. The list of tasks for preparation is endless.     My friend Marilyn asked me where the phrase “Something old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue” came from. It’s interesting to note because one of my girls had to make sure that she had a pair of blue britches before she got dressed for her big day. Looking for the origin from Yahoo I found the answer:     The next line of this old saying actually hints at its origin. The complete phrase is:     Something old, something new Something borrowed, something blue And a silver sixpence in her shoe.     A sixpence is a coin that was minted in Britain from 1551 to 1967. It was made of silver and worth six pennies. So this wedding tradition is definitely English, and many sources say that it began in the Victorian era.     Each item in this poem represents a good-luck token for the bride. If she carries all of them on her wedding day, her marriage will be happy. "Something old" symbolizes continuity with the bride's family and the past. "Something new" means optimism and hope for the bride's new life ahead. "Something borrowed" is usually an item from a happily married friend or family member, whose good fortune in marriage is supposed to carry over to the new bride. The borrowed item also reminds the bride that she can depend on her friends and family.     As for the colorful item, blue has been connected to weddings for centuries. In ancient Rome, brides wore blue to symbolize love, modesty, and fidelity. Christianity has long dressed the Virgin Mary in blue, so purity was associated with the color. Before the late 19th century, blue was a popular color for wedding gowns, as evidenced in proverbs like, "Marry in blue, lover be true."     And finally, a silver sixpence in the bride's shoe represents wealth and financial security. It may date back to a Scottish custom of a groom putting a silver coin under his foot for good luck. For optimum fortune, the sixpence should be in the left shoe. These days, a dime or a copper penny is sometimes substituted, and many companies sell keepsake sixpences for weddings.     Now, on a lighter note, these questions were asked randomly of children with some answers that might tickle your funny bone.     How do you decide who to marry?     (1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.     Alan, age 10     (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.     Kirsten, age 10     What is the right age to get married?     (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.     Camille, age 10     (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.     Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)     How can a stranger tell if two people are married?     (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.     Derrick, age 8     What do you think your mom and dad have in common?     (1) Both don't want any more kids.     Lori, age 8     What do most people do on a date?     (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.     Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)     (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.     Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)     What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?     (1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.     Craig, age 9     When is it okay to kiss someone?     (1) When they're rich.     Pam, age 7     (2) The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.     Curt, age 7     (3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.     Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)     Is it better to be single or married?     (1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.     Theodore, age 8     (2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.     Anita, age 9 (bless you child)     How would the world be different if people didn't get married?     (1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?     Kelvin, age 8     And the #1 Favourite is........     How would you make a marriage work?     (1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.     Ricky, age 10

Ask Audrey Published Aug. 24, 2006    I received an email from a friend and it opened my mind to a topic that I've had on my brain for the last few years. I thought I'd share my thoughts with you and see if any of you can identify.     When I hit the big "40" I couldn't even imagine the emotional trauma I'd experience if I'd ever hit the big "50". Well, the forties opened new horizons in my life and they passed me at a steady but comfortable pace.     Then came the next phase, the big "50". I received 50 roses from my kids and was presented with small celebration for having come this far. The early fifties sped quickly and was I ever surprised when I went to Denny's with my elderly mother and found out that I now qualified as a senior citizen. It took me a little while to actually admit to myself that I had really come this far in life. The other incidents that came to light during my fifties were at the doctor's office. How many of you have heard the phrase, "At your age these things start to deteriorate, so you just have to adjust"? Change your lifestyle at this stage in your life?     When the big "60" hit, I was devastated but it was then that I realized that age is just a number and isn't relevant as long as you've still got your marbles. I remember asking my then 80-year-old mom what it felt like to be that age. She told me that she didn't feel any differently than she had felt as a young woman. Her body was just slowing down a bit. She also told me that the wisdom she had developed over all of those years gave her a much clearer view of the world and the people in it.     My mom just turned 94 this summer and she still feels the same way. I think that maybe life is backwards. By the time you finally realize the best way to live and finally have the funds to go on trips and kick up your heels, you can't because of arthritis, allergies, cardiovascular problems or you've decided that you now can't leave your house safely in anyone else's hands and still feel comfortable while away.     Now you can understand why we all need to read what Andy Rooney presented on 60 Minutes so long ago. Enjoy.     Why Older Chicks Rule - by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes."     This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... And for those who     Are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their     50's...AND 60's..and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!! Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here Are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.     Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.     Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.     A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows friends won't betray her.     Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.     A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.     Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.     Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.     Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.     For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.     See you next week, Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Aug. 17, 2006    When I was a young child I lived in Nebraska with my Grandparents. They had a small acreage on which they raised a few cattle, sheep, chickens and hogs.     They also raised produce for market during the spring, summer and fall. My brothers and I were given chores to do every day before and after school and these chores were completed before we ate breakfast or supper.     During the summer though we were recruited to pull weeds, pick berries, dig potatoes and basically do whatever we were told to do. For this we received an additional meal at noon, called dinner.     The most memorable chore for me, because I was the only girl, was to help Grandma with the house cleaning, dishwashing and laundry. We did the laundry on Monday rain or shine hot or cold. The old wringer washer was in the basement along with the clothes lines in case it was raining outside. If it wasn't raining and even if your fingers froze to the bone, those clothes were hung outside on the clothes line. I can remember Grandma bringing Grandpa's bib overalls in and standing them in the corner by the wood furnace to thaw so that she could iron them on Tuesday. As a child, I didn't think this weekly ritual too strange or unusual. Of course, as time drew on, things changed and in this day and age, to describe how it "used to be" to our grandkids makes us look as old as Methuselah. Well, one of my email buddies sent me a recipe for washing clothes that should help us all appreciate all of the "new-fangled" equipment that has been made available to us since those "hard times."     Enjoy!     THIS PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE     'Washing Clothes Recipe' -- imagine having a recipe for this!     Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe.     This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with spelling errors and all.     WASHING CLOTHES     Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.     Sort things, make 3 piles     1 pile white,     1 pile colored,     1 pile work britches and rags.     To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.     Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.     Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.     Hang old rags on fence.     Spread tea towels on grass.     Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. Turn tubs upside down.     Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.     Paste this over your washer and dryer. Next time when you think things are bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks.     First thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet---those two-holers used to get mighty cold!     For you non-southerners -- wrench means rinse.     AND WE THINK WE HAVE IT ROUGH!     See you next week,     Audrey

Ask Audrey Published Aug. 10, 2006    One of my email friends sent me some spoof zen sayings that I have read several times. Every time I read the list I can’t help but feel that a lot of the folks I know might get the same enjoyment that I’ve gotten from reading them. When you get to my age, you begin to wonder why certain things that you used to worry about don’t seem to matter much anymore. Its funny how much easier life can be if you can sometimes just sit back, read something interesting, humorous or really enlightening and smile to yourself thinking, “sure, that makes more sense than fretting or worrying all the time.” So, sit back, read these sayings and enjoy.     1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.     2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.     3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.     4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.     5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.     6. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.     7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.     8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.     9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.     10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.     11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.     12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.     13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.     14. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.     15. Don’t worry; it only seems “kinky” the first time.     16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.     17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.     18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.     19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.     20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.     21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.     22. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.     23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.     24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butts. Then things get worse.     25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.     26. There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”     27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.     28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.     29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Ask Audrey Published Aug. 3, 2006    A phrase that I’ve heard since I was a child, most often spoken by my Grandmother about my Grandfather, was “he’s just too old to cut the mustard.” Now, many decades later Marilyn has asked just where that particular phrase originated. Since the people at Yahoo are always dedicated to helping educate those literates who need to know these important tidbits of knowledge, I turned to them for an answer. It sounds funny though to say “he can’t cut the mustard” when mustard has never been difficult to slice.     According to Maven's Word of the Day, author O. Henry deserves credit for coining it. "So I looked around and found a proposition that exactly cut the mustard," he wrote in the early 20th century. Alas, nobody seems to know why Mr. Henry chose mustard over ketchup (or tangy mayo for that matter).     It could be that he wasn't talking about mustard at all. According to World Wide Words, some believe the _expression references mustard, others suspect it's really another way of saying "muster." Such an explanation does make sense, until you consider that O. Henry could have been talking about the mustard seed, which, we're told, is quite difficult to cut.     Regardless of the phrase's true origin, we're happy it's still being used. Today's idiotic idioms like "economies of scale" and "growing the brand," just don't cut the mayo.     Another friend of mine sent a few different ways to either get noticed by others or perhaps to make them wonder about your sanity. If you’re bored at work and want to liven things up, try one of these next suggestions.     19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF QUESTIONABLE SANITY     1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.     2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.     3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.     4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."     5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.     6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."     7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."     8. Don't use any punctuation.     9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.     10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.     11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."     12. Sing along at the opera.     13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.     14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.     15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.     16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.     17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"     18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose”!     19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

Ask Audrey Published June 15, 2006    I don't have any idea just how many of my readers have emigrated from up North, out West or back East, but I know that I came from one of the coldest areas in the winter time. When we moved down here more than a decade ago, I really felt that we had moved to a completely different country. We moved here in February from the cold north and had to plow through four feet of snow to free ourselves from perpetual cool weather. One of my readers has sent me the perfect description of how and why we all love the area in which we live. TEXAS     Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.     He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"     God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."     Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"     "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."     "Balance"? inquired Michael, still confused.     God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."     The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"     "Ah," said God. "That's TEXAS–the most glorious place on earth.     There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from TEXAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achievers, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."     Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"     God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in AUSTIN." A TEXAS BLESSING     Note: If you are not a resident of TEXAS or never have lived in the hot, humid Southwest, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!     Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.     Please keep it cool in mid-July.     Bless the walls where termites dine,     While ants and roaches march in time.     Bless our yard where spiders pass     Fire ant castles in the grass.     Bless the garage, a home to please     Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.     Bless the love bugs, two by two,     The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.     Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,     In TEXAS, Lord, you've put them all!!     But this is home, and here we'll stay,     So thank you Lord, for insect spray.     HOLD IT............there's more.................... YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY     WHEN. . . .     • The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.     • The trees are whistling for the dogs.     • The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.     • Hot water now comes out of both taps.     • You can make sun tea instantly.     • You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!     • The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.     • You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.     • You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.     • You actually burn your hand opening the car door.     • You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.     • Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"     • You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.     • The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.     • Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.     • The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.     God Bless Our State of TEXAS!!     See you next week, Audrey     Many thanks to our queries and contributors. As always, it's fun to share our trivia and our wonderments. Keep them comin